THE SMELLY CROTCH LADY

This is my new most embarrassing moment. Me, my daughter and my son flew from LA to North Carolina. It was an all day trip on the worst airline ever – US Airways. Day started at 6am and after going through 3 airports, we finally arrived at 1am! So 19 hours of traveling. And as most of you know, when you travel, you just feel dirty afterwards. Maybe all the millions of peeps that have been in the same seats, the dirty airports. We were on the last leg of our journey, waiting for our last plane to leave and it was 10pm at night. We had to run from one gate to the next. It took us 15 minutes to run through the airport and I have my backpack, my kids two backpacks plus my purse all strung across my body while running so I got a little sweaty. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I sweat. A lot. So finally after the ditz at the US Airways counter tells us that our plane has not arrived and ‘it will not arrive until 8:30 and then it will take at least another 20 – 30 minutes for don’t come back till then’, we decided to go eat. We come back at 8:20 and are promptly told that the plane just left without us. Okay, so after finding out that now we have to fly into a different airport over an hour away from my sis’s house instead of the airport we were going to go into which was 15 minutes and it wasn't leaving until midnight, I am so pissed off. Oh wait, this was supposed to be a story about an embarrassing moment. Okay, so we sit down. We are defeated and tired and I am so mad at US Airways, otherwise known as U suck airways, US Worst airways, whatever, they suck. So many people have bad US Airways stories. SO we are sitting to wait for 2 hours and the seats are all crowded. People sitting next to me on each side. My 5 year old son puts his head into my lap to rest. He promptly jumps up and says VERY LOUDLY, “ewwww, it’s smelly down there!” Of course everyone within earshot heard which was at least 5 people and they were all going on the flight with us. At that point, there is nothing to say. I just kept looking straight ahead and thanked God that I was not in my own hometown. Great, now I am not only the woman who told the US Airways gate agent she’s "an idiot and I fucking hate this airline", I am now the smelly crotch lady too. Thank you son!

NEW YORK CITY & MINI PADS - NOT A GOOD COMBO

We visited New York City. In the summer. It was hot. Very Hot. I am a sweater, meaning, I sweat. A lot. Even if it’s 75 degrees out, I sweat. I am fat. It does not help the sweating. I decided to go walking in NYC. I decided that I would wear a few mini pads to soak up the sweat that would surely be between my legs since they rub together. A sweaty fat woman whose legs rub together when she walks - I know, kind of gross but true story. I also decided to wear a skirt since that would be the best for airflow. I am walking, feeling confident because it’s New York City. I love Sex and The City so I must be looking like an independent woman. I put on makeup, did my hair, I was feeling great. People were looking at me. Wow, I must really look good today. People were actually noticing me. I love this city. Something is on my leg. I just casually try to kick it off without looking down because I am feeling great, looking as good as a fat girl in the city can look and this is New York City. Where is Mr. Big? So people are really looking at me, wow, must be the blond hair! What the hell is still on my leg? Whatever, I don't care anymore, I am almost back to my room. So after walking around the city for HOURS I go back to my room and go to the bathroom. I am sweaty but it’s okay, I was looking hot in New York City. Okay, where are my mini pads? I know I put two on my underwear and they are gone. WTF? So I take off my skirt and yes, one is stuck to the back of my skirt and the other one is gone! Gone, gone, gone! I can only assume that whatever was stuck to my leg earlier was my mini pad that, because I sweat so bad, had lost all the glue that usually holds it in place and slipped out from my underwear and slipped down my leg. Who knows how long I walked around the city with that one stuck to my leg and one stuck to my skirt. Thank God there are millions of people in that city. Yes, I am embarrassed. No, I don’t ever wear mini pads with skirts anymore.

VIBRATORS AND THE APPLE STORE-NOT A GOOD COMBO

So I thought I was done with the most embarrassing times in my life but a new ‘most embarrassing moment’ has happened and I will share it with you for two reasons. One to hopefully prevent any of you from ever having this happen to you and two to hopefully prevent any of you from ever having this happen to you! I was talking in my kitchen to my sister and cousin who informed me that every woman they know owns a vibrator and every woman should own one. I did not know this and I did not own one. They recommended The Rabbit. A few days later, I got another “great recommendation” for The Rabbit from another friend so I thought ‘wow, this thing must be great!’ I decided to buy one. (I guess my husband is just really good in the sack so I never needed one.) I did a few web searches and found a few different websites that sell it and many other interesting items that I did not even know existed - fake vaginas – WTF? I shouldn’t be surprised but I was feeling like there was some big secret that I never knew about and why didn’t I know this until now? Anyway, I bought one and it is great. So about a week after I purchased this new item, I had an appointment at the Apple store to learn some new video editing tricks with a personal computer trainer. About twenty minutes into our session, my trainer needed to access a webpage because he did not know the answer to why I could not get the video from my camcorder onto iMovie. As he types in a command, the last ten internet searches that I did pop up with their actual webpage. So here on my computer screen for anyone within a 10 foot radius to see very clearly is a webpage with pictures of huge vibrators with names like "massive cock" just staring us both right in the face. Apple stores are very crowded. Oh my God, I just sat there for a second thinking ‘you have got to be kidding me? What do I even say?’ So I put my hand over the screen to try to block the images and I mumble something about “I am hosting a bachelor party and I needed to buy some favors!” Yeah, like he believes me. So I start sweating and getting red in the face and just thinking, ‘please figure out this out so I can get the hell out of here.’ But of course he needs to ask another associate a question because he cannot figure it out and so the other associate comes over, does the same command and yes, it pops up again. So now these two guys are probably thinking “wow, this woman is a perv” or “holy crap, this is hot!” Either way, I want to get the hell out of there. So needless to say, they never could figure out my problem and no, I will never go back to that store again! Remember people, always delete your browsing history!