WORST DATE EVER

So I have been thinking about funny things that happened to me in the past and I decided to write about my worst date ever. We all have a worst date ever story and so I thought I would share mine. This is a true story, none of it is made up or even exaggerated. And everyone that knows me knows that I used to have a tendency to exaggerate.  Like if there were 10 people somewhere, I would say 100, just to get  my point across. Not to blatantly lie, I guess just to  make the story a teensy bit better. Since reaching my late 30s, I have been working really, really hard not to exaggerate at all.  So this my friends is my true story of my worst date ever.  The year was 1989, I was in college. There was this guy named John that I had been checking out when I lived in the dorms when I was a freshman. He thought I was cute and I thought he was cute but because of his hectic track and field schedule, we just never got around to going out. It was just always one of those things where his friend told me he liked me and I told his friend I liked him but we never really talked other that smiling at each other. Fast forward now to 1993, my senior year, and I see him at my home away from home, a bar.  We talk and he says how he wanted to go out with me so we decide to go on a date.  He picks me up at my house and proceeds to tell me that he has to go to the mall to return some pants. I thought it was a set up and that when we got to the mall, he would have some kind of romantic surprise waiting for me.  No, it was exactly as he said. He had to return some pants.... Okay, so that was weird, no?  You're so busy that you have to consolidate your dates and your errands?  He literally spent like 30 minutes picking out more pants after he returned the ones we came to return.   Did I mention that we barely talked the whole car ride to the mall which was almost 30 minutes?  And I love to talk!!!  So then he suggests we go to Pizza Hut because and I swear he said this "my friend works there and we can get free pizza and beer."  Wow, this guy is smooth. So once again I am waiting for him to say something like "just kidding" but nothing. He's serious.  So I figure what the heck, beer is always good.  So we order and we get a pitcher of beer with those small 6 ounce plastic mugs for the beer. He pours me one and him one and then he says he has to go to the bathroom. So 20 minutes later he comes out of the bathroom. I figured he had some type of stomach problems, obviously he's got the rhea or something, what guy is in the bathroom for 20 minutes if he's not crapping or whacking?  Anyway, so I finish my 6 ounce beer (which I was slowly nursing) and he comes out of the bathroom finally, notices that I drank my beer and says "wow, what are you some kind of alcoholic???" to which I did not reply, I just poured another one.  Once again, I was waiting for a "just kidding, sorry I took so long" but no, he is serious.   This was a 6 ounce beer people, not 12, not 24.  And yes, I probably am some kind of alcoholic but most guys love a drunk chick on a date!  What kind of loser would ever complain that his date is drinking too much?  So we sit and eat our free pizza and then we go to a movie that he did pay for and then he drove me home.  I think we literally said 10 words the whole night after the pizza place and then he dropped me off and I thought, "wow, all this time I thought he was just shy but he is just a dumb jock, he literally has nothing to say.  So thanks John, for my worst date ever!!! Please ladies, email me your worst date ever stories!  I would love to hear them.  

THE SHRIMP EFFECT

Okay, so I just learned something new and I am  a little surprised that I had not learned this earlier considering the fact that I am 38 years old and a woman. I've been one my whole life unlike Chaz Bono who is changing into a man so maybe she/he never realized this and I am wondering, what happens after she changes, will this still happen??  Okay so here goes. I am talking to my friend Jennifer and we start talking about MOPS groups and how everyone brings food and how one day, someone made a really great looking shrimp dish but no one would eat it because of the 'shrimp effect'. And I said "What are you talking about, what is the 'shrimp effect'?"  And she said "you know, when you eat shrimp and then you smell fishy down there?"  and I said "wtf are you talking about,  I have never heard this" and she could not believe that I had never heard about the shrimp effect before in my life. And I could not believe that I had not ever heard this before either and so I started wondering, 'sometimes I smelled fishy in my nether region but I just figured it was because I hadn't showered in a few days or because I had a yeast infection (not that I get yeast infections that often but that is a side effect) or something like that. So I decided that I would do a little test to see if I actually smelled "shrimpy" after eating shrimp. So I ate some shrimp for lunch and didn't really notice anything right away so I ate some more shrimp for lunch the next day and then that night while going to that bathroom, I almost fell off the toilet, I smelled so fishy!!!!  Wow, how did I not ever associate eating shrimp with smelling fishy.  And how come my friends never clued me in on this situation?  Did they not know?  I didn't know. No one ever said anything to me about this my whole life so I figure they must not have known.  Well, wake up ladies, I am telling you so that you too can be fishy free!!! So that my friends is what the shrimp effect is.  And so I wonder, what happens when you change from a woman to a man, do you still get the shrimp effect when you eat shrimp???? Please ladies, let me know if have heard of this shrimp effect before....

MY ADD MADE ME SLUTTY

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I posted because I was out of ideas. I thought I was this really funny person and then 3 blogs in, I was done, toast, I peaked, not that I was even that funny, but I thought I had so much in me. What a wake up call.

Anyway, I was thinking about my life and how I can never stick to something I start. I started scrapbooking, invested thousands in creative memories stuff and then made it through my daughter's baby book to 6 months and then I was done. Bored. Let's see, started a make-up blog and that lasted about two weeks before I became bored with that too. So I started thinking 'my whole life has been about getting bored with stuff way to easily' and it got me to thinking about college and how I hooked up with so many dudes and why I got bored so easily. So I did some research and now I can blame on my college sluttiness on ADD! You know, Attention Deficit Disorder. Thank goodness I have something to blame for my lack of morals in college. I thought I was just your typical run of the mill drunk slut in college but NOOOOO, I have ADD!! Finally a way to explain why I could never stick to just one guy and how I would be so "in love" with someone only to be so "grossed out" the next day! (That could have also been the beer goggles but let's just pretend it's my ADD). Here is the definition of ADD:

Definition: What is Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)?
Attention Deficit Disorder is a biologically (it's not my fault I was a slut, it's my parents!) based condition causing a persistent pattern of difficulties resulting in one or more of the the following behaviors:
inattention (new day, new guy)
hyperactivity (some might call me a spaz)
impulsivity (sleeping with a guy after knowing him for two minutes?)
Inattention (new day, new guy)
difficulty attending or focusing on a specific task. People with Attention Deficit Disorder may become distracted within a matter of minutes (in my case, it was usually one night). Inattentive behavior may also cause difficulties with staying organized (e.g. losing things-my virginity), keeping track of time, completing tasks, and making careless errors (uhh, need I say more?).
Hyperactivity
difficulty inhibiting behavior. These people are in constant motion. They may engage in excessive fiddling, leg swinging, and squirming in their chair and sleeping with men (I added in this last part but it fits, right?).
Impulsivity
difficulty controlling impulses (hello making out with dudes in the middle of a bar that I just met). These people do not stop and think before they act. They say and do whatever comes into their mind without thinking about the consequences. They might say something inappropriate and regret it later, blurt out a response to question before a person is done speaking to them, or have difficulty waiting for their turn in line.
ADD or ADHD - What's the Difference?
Clinically, the term ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. A person may either be diagnosed with ADHD or ADD depending on whether they are hyperactive or not. It is possible for someone to have ADD without being hyperactive. To accommodate this possibility, ADHD is often written with brackets around the "H" (i.e. AD(H)D). You may also see it written as AD/HD. There are generally three types of AD(H)D:
Combined Type (hyperactive, impulsive, inattentive)
Inattentive Type
Hyperactive, Impulsive Type
Around the web, in the media, and the general public you will often hear/see ADD used as a generic term to describe the whole disability. You may also notice that many people with ADD have developed their own unique terminology to describe themselves (e.g. "ADD'ers" or "ADDults")

Okay, so there you have it. In a way, I am so glad that I finally self diagnosed myself because now I can start blaming my parents for me being sleazy earlier in life and not take any responsibility for my own actions. Thanks ADD!