Real Housewives of Barstow

Bad Ideas: Episode 1: Beer Pong and Middle Aged Alcoholics

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I MISS MY OLD HAIRSTYLIST

I miss my old hair stylist Vicki. (Names have not been changed to protect the innocent because Lord knows, she's not innocent!) Going to her was like going to a movie for 2 hours, I was entertained the whole time. She had a hearty laugh and a crazy life and she loved to tell stories about her drunk adventures, her sexcapades with her husband and her surprisingly normal kids. It was an awesome two hours that passed very quickly when I was with her and let us catch up on each others lives. she was larger than life so to speak. I would not want to be a hair stylist because a lot of them seem to live an alternative lifestyle of parties, drinking and drugs that I would not have the energy to keep up with but for Vicki, that was just something you accepted and then when you leave the salon you thank God that your life was not so filled with drama. But regardless, she was fun and exhilarating and I miss her. My new hair stylist is not fun. She does a good job but the conversation is boring. She asks the required questions about how am I doing and how is my family but other than that, there's not much enthusiasm. The conversation feels forced and awkward. Not like with Vicki where she made u feel like her best friend. Also the new girl's life is boring too. She moved from her dads house to her own place. That's it. Not like Vicki who always had a new crazy story every time I came to see her whether it was how her and her husband each cheated on each other or that she smoked pot or that she got lipo or that she had gave someone a hand job while her husband was cheating with someone else in a car or like the time her husband had anger issues and threatened to chop off his daughters fingers (I told you she had an interesting life). She also had the best gossip about other people too. Like the owner of her salon that got a face lift at 35 years old. One day I got the sad news that Vicki was moving to Arizona because they could get a huge house there. So she moved and my hair has never looked as good. But I did hear that Vicki divorced her husband and is now a lesbian.

THE SMELLY CROTCH LADY

This is my new most embarrassing moment. Me, my daughter and my son flew from LA to North Carolina. It was an all day trip on the worst airline ever – US Airways. Day started at 6am and after going through 3 airports, we finally arrived at 1am! So 19 hours of traveling. And as most of you know, when you travel, you just feel dirty afterwards. Maybe all the millions of peeps that have been in the same seats, the dirty airports. We were on the last leg of our journey, waiting for our last plane to leave and it was 10pm at night. We had to run from one gate to the next. It took us 15 minutes to run through the airport and I have my backpack, my kids two backpacks plus my purse all strung across my body while running so I got a little sweaty. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I sweat. A lot. So finally after the ditz at the US Airways counter tells us that our plane has not arrived and ‘it will not arrive until 8:30 and then it will take at least another 20 – 30 minutes for don’t come back till then’, we decided to go eat. We come back at 8:20 and are promptly told that the plane just left without us. Okay, so after finding out that now we have to fly into a different airport over an hour away from my sis’s house instead of the airport we were going to go into which was 15 minutes and it wasn't leaving until midnight, I am so pissed off. Oh wait, this was supposed to be a story about an embarrassing moment. Okay, so we sit down. We are defeated and tired and I am so mad at US Airways, otherwise known as U suck airways, US Worst airways, whatever, they suck. So many people have bad US Airways stories. SO we are sitting to wait for 2 hours and the seats are all crowded. People sitting next to me on each side. My 5 year old son puts his head into my lap to rest. He promptly jumps up and says VERY LOUDLY, “ewwww, it’s smelly down there!” Of course everyone within earshot heard which was at least 5 people and they were all going on the flight with us. At that point, there is nothing to say. I just kept looking straight ahead and thanked God that I was not in my own hometown. Great, now I am not only the woman who told the US Airways gate agent she’s "an idiot and I fucking hate this airline", I am now the smelly crotch lady too. Thank you son!

NEW YORK CITY & MINI PADS - NOT A GOOD COMBO

We visited New York City. In the summer. It was hot. Very Hot. I am a sweater, meaning, I sweat. A lot. Even if it’s 75 degrees out, I sweat. I am fat. It does not help the sweating. I decided to go walking in NYC. I decided that I would wear a few mini pads to soak up the sweat that would surely be between my legs since they rub together. A sweaty fat woman whose legs rub together when she walks - I know, kind of gross but true story. I also decided to wear a skirt since that would be the best for airflow. I am walking, feeling confident because it’s New York City. I love Sex and The City so I must be looking like an independent woman. I put on makeup, did my hair, I was feeling great. People were looking at me. Wow, I must really look good today. People were actually noticing me. I love this city. Something is on my leg. I just casually try to kick it off without looking down because I am feeling great, looking as good as a fat girl in the city can look and this is New York City. Where is Mr. Big? So people are really looking at me, wow, must be the blond hair! What the hell is still on my leg? Whatever, I don't care anymore, I am almost back to my room. So after walking around the city for HOURS I go back to my room and go to the bathroom. I am sweaty but it’s okay, I was looking hot in New York City. Okay, where are my mini pads? I know I put two on my underwear and they are gone. WTF? So I take off my skirt and yes, one is stuck to the back of my skirt and the other one is gone! Gone, gone, gone! I can only assume that whatever was stuck to my leg earlier was my mini pad that, because I sweat so bad, had lost all the glue that usually holds it in place and slipped out from my underwear and slipped down my leg. Who knows how long I walked around the city with that one stuck to my leg and one stuck to my skirt. Thank God there are millions of people in that city. Yes, I am embarrassed. No, I don’t ever wear mini pads with skirts anymore.