IT'S AN EMOTIONAL RIDE

Today's article is related to my previous article, it is more about people and their cars and the stupid crap that they put on their cars and how exhausting it is to drive these streets here in California. So here goes a typical day. I leave my house and have to wave at the stupid people in my neighborhood with a "baby on board" sticker on the inside window of their Jetta. Okay, didn't think they still made these and certainly didn't think anyone still put them on their car.

So I pull up behind a lowered Acura and begin the daily ritual of reading all the crap that people put on the back of their cars. This car reads:

Jose Garcia Gomez
12-15-35 - 4-28-08
Rest In Peace Beloved Grandpa

Ummm, where to begin on these? Okay, first of all, like I said before, unless I know you, I don't really care about you or your dead grandpa and guess what???? My grandpa died too asswipe, millions of people have a grandpa that they loved that died so quit putting obits on the back of your car. There's enough to read while driving as it is, we do not need to add another whole new category of stuff to put on. So after cussing at this guy through closed windows, I proceed to the next light where I pull up behind a ferrari with the license plate that reads "putuout" and the license plate frame reads something about an anesthesiologist and how they "knock u out" or something lame and arrogant. So now I am pissed at the stuck up jerk in front of me because he went to med school and I'm am not smart enough and so I am feeling a little bit like a loser and non-achiever and I'm also pissed at the idiot because he thinks his license plate is so clever. Ooohhh, did you think that up all by yourself??? Oh my gosh, you're so creative....Blah, blah, blah idiot. And I am only a mile from home. So then I am driving and notice off to the side of the road a bouquet of flowers by a lightpost with a bunch of cheap dollar store mexican glass candles with pictures of some saint and a homemade sign that reads "Jeremy, forever in our hearts, taken too young by a drunk driver". Ummm, okay, now that is sad. Now that is something that is okay to put out there. Poor kid, I am starting to cry now now and I am feeling a little sad. Geez, all I wanted to do was go to the store to buy milk. Okay, I am jolted out of my sadness by a red bmw 528i that drives by with a license plate that reads "myrd528". Come on, really? I seriously think this person deserves to get beat up. Really? Really? Someone really puts that on the back of their car? I am amazed at the creativeness of this person and am trying to catch up to ask them what their license plate means but I decide I might punch the person for being stupid so I retreat. I regroup and I am on my way. I pull up behind the mother of them all, the minivan mom with 6 kids, each playing a different sport and each student of the month at their respective school, etc. etc. So now I am once again annoyed but lucky for me the light changes before I can read all the stickers. So I pull into the turn lane, I am almost at the store but wait. Another car in front of me, another life story. This car is littered with do gooder stickers. "Support autism now", "gay people have rights too", "shut up and drive", "go green, my prius is cleaner than your prius". Oh wow, that is witty... I bet this loser doesn't even know a gay autistic person at all. By now, I am thoroughly exhausted and I have not even reached my destination. So I go arrive at the grocery store and because I am have experienced every damn emotion in a 5 minute drive, hate, anger, self-loathing and pity, sadness, general malaise (I love that term), I am drained and cannot make good decisions so I buy junk food and go home and eat. I hate driving in California.

WHY DO PEOPLE PUT THEIR LIFE STORIES ON THEIR CARS???

Okay, today's writing will tap into something that just bugs the crap out of me: those little stick on people that families put on the back of their cars that basically tell everyone their life story. You know what I am talking about. Those little cheerleaders or soccer players that are pasted on the left or right back windshield and sometimes have the person's name below it. Or worse, there will be a whole family in a row and their names and their hobby will be underneath. What is wrong with people? First, they are annoying because I do not care about you or your family unless I already know you so quit trying to project this perfect family life onto everyone driving behind you. Second, I don't believe you are happy, I think that you think that if I put these happy little stickers on my car then I will have the perfect little family and life will be great, blah, blah, blah. Third, you are advertising to all the weirdos and pervs out there your info, your kids info and giving them way too much info. You are telling them your familys' info and probably also have a sticker like this: "my child was student of the month at this school". So now the pervs know where your kids goes to school, what their names are, what sports they like and all your family members names. Come on peeps, are you really that desperate to let the world know of your "perfect" family. I believe that people that put that crap on their cars that say how happy they are, really are unhappy. I think they should make real life stickers for cars that people put on the back like a dad with a bottle of vodka in one hand and one of those caption bubbles that reads "God damn kids, get to bed before I whip you" or a mom with a botox needle stuck out of her head and an exploding breast implant lying on her therapists' couch with a caption bubble that reads "real housewives of OC". Or a picture of a 10 year old with like 6 different sports items like a hockey stick, a baseball, a basketball, skates, soccer, a money sign and then a picture of the institution that his parents put him in because he is so overloaded with stuff that there is not time to actually be a kid. Now those I would like to see on the back of a car. Or as a friend of mine suggested, how about a picture of a woman, a big dog and then a gun. That would be the truth! They can be called truth stickers. Or how about a picture of a dad, his new young wife and his new kids and then a picture of his old, fat wife and his old kids next? And another thing, I don't like these stickers because I am already trying to drive, text, talk on my cell phone, eat and drink while driving, I cannot add reading to the mix as well, way too dangerous!

WHY I HATE FACEBOOK

I hate Facebook. There, I said it. I hate Facebook. And here’s why: One day a friend of mine emailed me to say “You have to get on Facebook, everyone is on it because there is a 20 year high school reunion group and you have to be on it.” She then extolled the virtues of this great meeting/reuniting website and how “it is so fun to catch up with people.” And it was fun…for the first month. It was great catching up with her. We even got together for a drink and brought our old yearbooks and wondered about everyone and what they were up too. Then I found myself adding friends to my list of friends and then spending time looking over their profiles and pictures and checking out their friends and their friends’ friends and then trying to see if anyone knows anyone famous. After my kids begged me for a while to make them lunch, I decided after hours and hours on facebook, time to log off, reluctantly. The next day I checked my email and I had felt like I had been invited to a great high school party with the cool kids. I thought wow, this is pretty neat having all these friends, some of them I really don’t even know but what the heck.

Then one day my BFF, Hailey, who is also on Facebook, mentioned to me that Sherry Klein was on Facebook. (IMAGINE BIG THUD SOUND RIGHT HERE!) “Remember her?” she asked. “REMEMBER HER? REMEMBER HER?” How could I ever forget her but all I could mutter was a measly ‘oh yeah, I remember her’ as if she was some vacant memory in my brain that I had not accessed in a while, which I hadn’t, till I heard her name again. Sherry Klein, with her 5000 friends, is why I hate Facebook.

Now you need a little backstory. Sherry Klein was the girl that seemed to have everything in grade school and I was insanely jealous of her. She was blonde, beautiful, funny, rich and of course skinny and I was dirty blonde, pimple faced, fat and lower income. Basically she looked like a Barbie and I looked like a boy. Really, a few weeks ago my kids saw a 5th grade softball picture of me and they asked if it was a picture of my brother. I don’t even have a brother. Sherry had beautiful long blonde hair and I had a short “convenient for my mom” feathery bowl cut thing, I truly don’t know how to describe it. But I longed for long hair. I wanted to put my hair in pony tails and braids so bad and I never could. Sherry’s whole family was great looking, her mom and dad were just the picture of health and beauty. And they were married. My parents were divorced. She had a swimming pool. I had sprinklers. She had great clothes and while I did not have to wear Goodwill clothes, they were not as cute or as expensive as hers. Let’s see, what else, oh yeah, she got to kiss Tom Speel. I didn’t. Tom Speel was THE babe of our school, everyone wanted to “go out” with him. I don’t even know what that means at 12 but Lord knows I was not going out with him. But I loved him so much (as much as a 12 year old can love another 12 year old). I would daydream about having my first kiss with him but no, that’s another thing that Sherry got. And right in front of me too. Did she not notice my jealousy? How could she be blessed and have everything and me be such a loser? Did I mention that she then went on to become extremely popular in junior high and high school and win all sorts of excellence awards for school, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, back to my story. So hearing the name Sherry Klein just brought back all the insecurities and negative feelings of my youth flooding back into my brain. I thought when high school was over that I would never feel this way again. I would never worry about being one of the popular people, one of the pretty girls, about being invited to the best parties and hanging out with the cool kids and knowing the cool kids.

So I thought the only rational thing to do is to add her as a friend and be the adult in the situation. I mean, I know that she is getting the pop ups on the right side that say my name just as I was getting the pop ups that say her name so I thought I would show her I was not jealous of her by adding her as my friend first. And I did with a little note asking how she has been since it had been so long since I talked to her and hoping all is going great with her. And then I waited. And then I opened my email and I got excited for a minute because she added me as a friend so I felt validated and cool but then wait, where was her reply to my questions???? She obviously got them. So what the heck does that mean?? A pity add. She added me to her list of friends out of pity. That’s worse than ignoring my friend request. So there I am feeling like a loser and realizing that she pity added me to her list of friends. She obviously didn’t want to add me but I think it was easier to add me and ignore me than to not add me at all. So now I am left a little lower than where I started, kind of like grade school. And that, my friends, is why I hate facebook. But if you want to add me as your friend, my online ID is blahblahblah..

P.S. Names have been changed to protect the author from utter and total humiliation!